Today was really hard. Really hard. It wasn't just hard to find silence, but it was hard to welcome it. I did find peace of mind, but only for a fraction of the 18 minutes of quiet in class today. But I cannot recall those moments of quiet; I just know I had them. That's the beauty of it all. Quiet is attainable, but it is so profound that it is near impossible to remember. For this reason we need to make quiet not something we strive for momentarily, but something we live with, continuously and eternally.
I am very thankful for today's class. It brought me to many realizations. I live with tremendous pressure, but it is pressure put upon me by nobody else but myself. While sitting there among silence, my mind ran through my responsibilities: assignments, SAT, college applications, field hockey practice, extracurricular activities, extended essay. Then my mind ran through my fears: not getting in to my dream school, disappointing my teachers and parents, not being able to continuously learn and discover. These fears and responsibilities, coupled with a wrenching internal struggle, lead to my greatest, harshest dread: getting lost. Losing that purpose, that quiet scares me so much. Walking out of that class, I began to cry because I sensed that fear slowly and surely becoming manifest. It hasn't yet, but at times it is dangerously close.
During General's Period, I met Manon in the hall and she let me weep into her arms. She, along with my other six best friends, have kept me hopeful. They have found me, and with them by my side I know I can never be lost. I am, with them, part of a family based on true, wholehearted, beautiful love, respect, and dependence. We carry each others' burdens--and there are many--but together we are stronger, a unit, a team. When I write, they read. When I play a hockey game, they inquire about how I did. When I look sad, they are always there for me. When I accomplish something, they rejoice along with me. When I'm happy, they absorb my joy and augment it.
In a way the knowledge that I was in danger of losing myself was what caused the tears today. But it was also something else. It was the knowledge that there are people who care about me, who will be my companions as I run, skip, drag myself, cry, laugh, jump, and sing my way through.
After all, the mind is a person's greatest asset. Whether you choose for it to be a burden or a gift is the difference between a miserable and insightful existence.
Thank you, Mr. Summers. Today was invaluable.
Emma,
ReplyDeleteI sensed you were so sad at the end of class. I am glad to hear you found Manon and that you were able to let your feelings out. As Ludwig Wittgenstein said "Die Welt ist was die Welt ist." it is important to remember what you felt and experienced today and that it is a good idea to practice being gentle with yourself. You have so many gifts. The gift of your family, the gift of your friendships, the gift of your mind. You are in the process of opening yourself to other dimensions of reality... i.e being in the present and finding a way to be quiet in the present. That you are struggling with this only speaks to the earnestness of your efforts. Keep on trying and I have no doubt you will get there. Thank you for the honesty of your post and for your contributions in class and for taking the time to talk with me afterwards. Mr. S (my post name is my first name, rob)